Welcome to my blog.
I started this blog as a place to be able to talk, swap tips and share resources for women who just don’t feel like having sex, but want to.
There are very few places dedicated to this issue online outside of medical sites, and we can feel like we’re not normal or feel ashamed this is happening to us.
The great news is, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and your sex drive can be fixed.
About me (the short answer):
My name is Laura. I live in London, I’m 30, I’m a (guilty) feminist, and I have experienced a chronically low sex drive.
I haven’t always been like this! Two years ago I LOVED sex, and enjoyed having it. But after a stressful few years my sex drive has been totally extinguished.
I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I’m not a medical professional, or a sex therapist. But, I do know how it feels to struggle to want to have sex. So I’ve put together a blog that tries to take the best bits from what research I’ve done, from the experts in the field, as well as my own experience, to take you through my experiences.
The long answer (if you’d really like to know)…
My sexual spark has gone out. After a stressful two years of my life where I was working and studying part time whilst generally trying to live my best life, I came out of the other side to realise my sex drive had broken down whilst I was too busy to give it the attention it needed.
Day to day, sex just wasn’t on my radar. I was also so busy, so tired after work and the various other things that go on in my life, sex was just never a priority, and was literally the last thing on my mind when I went to bed.
The huge problem for me personally was the build up, because I know that sex is coming, and I work myself up into thinking of any excuses I can use.
Some nights, I felt sick at the thought of going to bed. Some nights, when I knew my boyfriend might try and initiate sex I freeze. I panic. I feel dread, and try to avoid it. I’ll put off any intimacy as long as I can.
Although I’ve never tried the old “I’ve got a headache” tactic, I’ve for sure used every other trick in the book.
The worst point came for me about a year ago. My boyfriend wanted to have sex, and I wanted to want to have sex. But in my head, my worry was spiraling, my brain hemorrhaging thoughts that I have about my ideas for a future career, about the pile of washing on the floor, how I was going to get to work tomorrow.
And I found myself in an out-of-body experience, looking down and thinking that my boyfriend must feel like he is having sex with a corpse. Nice.
It was awful. I felt completely numb.
It felt a bit like the bottom has dropped out of my whole personality, so that a lot of my cheeky spark, flirtacious nature, sensuality, perhaps even my whole idea of “being a woman” has just fallen out of me.
And that is such a lonely place to be.
IMPROVING MY SEX DRIVE
As I was researching my own low sex drive, I felt overwhelmed, confused and panicked. Was there something medically wrong with me? Did I need to take a pill? See a sex therapist?
I also read “quick fix” articles that in 800 words promised to cure all of my problems, when I knew it ran much deeper than that and wouldn’t be an overnight cure. I felt annoyed at the lack of resources out there for women considering some stats put this issue at nearly 50% of us having experienced it.
Then I stumbled across some articles that explained sex drive to me in a way I understood (see my full post about that here).
And others that talked about the way that as a society we give women the wrong messages about their problems.
We medicalise, prescribe pills and pathologise women for their lack of desire to have sex, when infact our ideas about sexual response have always been defined in terms of a model made for men. If women are compared to men in this way, they’ll always come out lacking (read my full post about that).
Learning about this has opened my eyes to a whole new way of understanding my own sexual self. And when I realised this, I started to feel better. I started to look at myself in a different way and used different tools and tricks to learn about myself and what I like. And my sex drive started to increase.
We need a space to talk about it. And this blog is my way of sharing that knowledge with you.